What If
by Angels-Lady-of-Buffdom
Summary: Post Surprise/Innocence. Buffy tries to deal with her emotions after Angel's turning while she's haunted by memories.


Disclaimer: If they were mine then I never would have had to write this story because soul lossage never would have happened!!! They are Joss's.

Rating: PG

Author: Angel's Lady of Buffdom

Summary: This story takes place after 'Surprise and Innocence'. The story revolves around Buffy dealing with Angel now Angelus, with emotions and thoughts running through her head and flashbacks between her and Angel. Song lyrics (I didn't use the entire song) intertwined in the story are from "What if" sung by Kate Winslet.   
Dedication: This story is for my sis Stephanie who loves the episode 'Surprise' and is always telling me I should write a Buffy/Angel fic. So this story is for her and my friend Kat. 

Betas' note: Any and all B/A shippers *must* read this story! Believe us, Angel's Lady really is Buffy; she knows what she's talking about!

  
*~*

Buffy stared into the abyss of books in front of her, contemplating which book to read next. Staggering columns stood all around her. Research was defiantly not her favorite part of being The Chosen One. But when you slay on a hellmouth, nothing is ordinary. Still she couldn't keep her mind from drifting. 

*Flash*

"You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday." Angel said, gazing deeply into her eyes.

"Surprise me." she replied, bright smile across her face.

"Okay." He swept Buffy into his arms pulling her towards him. Suddenly changing into his vampire face. "I will."   
***

"Buffy…are you alright?" Buffy jumped, startled out of her daze. Giles looked concerned. 

"Oh...fine. Just swimming in the knowledge of research goodness," she replied with a smirky little smile on her face.

"Are you sure? You look a little…under the weather." He worried as he cleaned his glasses.

"Yeah, I'm fine… Giles really, I'm just a little run down, that's all. You know, all's fair in slay and war." Trying not to look him straight in the face, she started flipping through the book that was open in front of her. 

"Well, still umm...maybe you should take the night off? Go home and get some rest. I'll patrol tonight." He was trying not to sound too fatherly and failing.

" No Giles…I'm okay. Besides paroling will keep my mind off…" Her voice faded out.

"Angel." It wasn't a question, but he said it sincerely. "Buffy…you can't keep blaming yourself over Angel's turning. It's not your fault Buffy—" 

" 'Not my fault.' " She mocked humorlessly, cutting him off. "That's the problem. It *is* my fault, Giles. Angel's out there stalking me and my friends and my family. He could attack anyone at any time and I *can't kill him*. Because when I look at him I still see the man I love." 

"Buffy…don't." Protective instincts had taken over and he stepped towards her.

"Don't what?" Tears were streaming down her face and anger rose in her voice. "Don't love him? Giles, I know when I see him now he's not the Angel I fell in love with, but I can't give up hope that a part of him still there. No matter what he does to me. I just can't...give up."

"I don't want to sound cruel Buffy, but sooner or later you will have to kill Angel." Giles's eyes were stern.

"Fine…then tell me how you stop loving someone!" she challenged, wiping tears from her face.

"I don't know Buffy…I just don't," he replied, looking hurt.

"That's what I thought." Her voice was cold as she turned and walked out the door. 

*~*

Fog rose across the silent cemetery as Buffy wandered aimlessly with her stake in hand. Trying to keep her mind busy, she scanned the area around her looking for anything peculiar lurking around. 

*Flash*

"What are you saying, you want to have a date?' Angel asked, surprise in his voice.

"No."

"You don't want to have a date?" Angel looked perplexed.

"Who said _"date"_? I-I-I never said _"date"_ ." She blinked; what didn't he understand?

"Right. You just want to have coffee or somethin'." Angel's voice dripped sarcasm.

"Coffee?" She questioned hopefully.

"I knew this was gonna happen." He sighed with an I-told-you-so look on his face.

"What? What do you think is happening?" She really didn't want to hear this. She put on her don't-give-me-that-look face.

Angel sighed, trying to break this to her gently. "You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one."

"I've done the math." She's not biting as she looks into his eyes.

"You don't know what you're doing; you don't know what you want..." 

Buffy cut him off. "Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation." She started to walk past him. 

Angel stopped her. "Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another."

"One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?" She let her anger show in her voice.

Angel refused to meet her stare. "I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control."

"Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?" She looked him straight in the eyes. 

He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her closer, causing her to draw a startled breath. "This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after." His voice was raspy with emotion, yet strangely sincere. 

She gazed steadily back into his dark brown eyes. "No. When you kiss me I wanna die."   
***

Buffy dropped her stake, overwhelmed from the intensity of her memories. "Oh God, Angel…" Her legs gave way and she fell to the ground, crying brokenly. Consumed by emotions, she started coughing, barely able to breathe as she sobbed. 

__

*Here I stand alone

With this weight upon my heart

And it will not go away

In my head I keep on looking back

Right back to the start

Wondering what it was that made you change*

Buffy slowly gathered herself enough to stand up. She wiped the tears from her face and headed out of the graveyard. 

__

*Well I tried but I had to draw the line

And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind*

*Flash*

"So you don't think about the future?" Angel wondered; it was something he'd been pondering. Typical girls tended to think a lot about the future, but then again, Buffy wasn't a typical girl.

"No." Buffy shied away from the question quickly, trying not meet his eyes.

"Never?" He gently cups her face with his hand.

"No." She pulled away, and turned her back to him.

Angel started after her. "You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?" He easily caught her and pinned her against a tombstone.

Almost timidly, Buffy told him, "Angel, when I look into the future, a-a-all I see is you." She peered deep into his eyes and quietly mumbled, "All I want is you."

He pulled her close to him, his heart melting at the beauty before him. Looking back at her with the same intensity, he offered all he had. His love. "I know the feeling." Angel sealed it with a passionate kiss. 

***

__

*What if I had never let you go

Would you be the man I used to know

If I'd stayed, if you'd tried

If we could only turn back time

But I guess we'll never know*

She caught herself staring down at her at her naked ring finger and rubbed at the slight indentation where... 

__

*Many roads to take

Some to joy, some to heartache

Anyone can loose their way

And if I said that we could turn it back

Right back to the start

Would you take the chance and make the change*

*Flash*

"I have something for you. For your birthday. I...I was gonna give it to you earlier, but..." He pulled out small velvet bag and emptied the contents into his palm. A tiny sliver ring lay in his hand.

Buffy looked at the ring and then up at Angel, tears in her eyes, "It's beautiful."

He cleared his throat, "My people— before I was changed— they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring." He held it out with his finger tips. "The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty, and the heart...Well, you know..." If it had been possible Angel would have blushed. "Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this." He lifted his hand, showing an identical ring on his finger.

She touched his hand, and leaned over to place a kiss on the ring.

"Put it on," he barely whispers, emotions running high. He took the ring from her and slipped it onto her finger.

"I don't wanna to do this." She's crying freely now.

Angel wiped her tears, "Me either," pulling her closer to him.

"So don't go." She's begging now but she really doesn't care, everything in her is screaming not to let him leave. Tears are streaming down her face as he draws her in closer. She puts her arms around him as they let passion sweep over them in the form of a deep kiss. 

__

***

*What if I had never let you go

Would you be the man I used to know

If I'd stayed, if you'd tried

If we could only turn back time

but I guess we'll never know*

Buffy couldn't stop staring at her now bare ring finger.

  
*Flash*

"Shhh. I..." Angel cut off suddenly. Buffy turned to face him.

"You what?" she asked, gazing up at him. 

"I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop." He moved closer to her, waiting for her response. 

"Me...me, too. I can't either." 

Their heads turned slightly and their lips met. After a moment Angel broke the kiss, even as his soul screamed in pain as their connection was broken. Looking straight at her, putting her first before him, "Buffy, maybe we shouldn't..." 

She put her finger up to his lips "Don't. Just kiss me." 

***

__

*If only we could turn the hands of time

If I could take it back would you still be mine

Cause I tried but I had to draw the line

And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind*

She shook off the memories long enough to realize she'd stopped walking, and started automatically putting one foot in front of the other once again. Still lost in her mind, she dimly noticed that she was getting close to home. '_What if we hadn't gotten attacked and you had left the country with The Judge's arm thingy? Then Spike and Drusilla wouldn't have been able to reassemble him.' _She started to climb the tree to get up to her room_. 'We wouldn't have had to go after them...not to mention almost getting killed for the millionth time. We would have never gone back to your apartment...' _She tried to fight back the tears as she landed in her room. Standing up, her eyes fell on her bed. '_And...made..._ "Love." 

She walked to her desk where the cross Angel had given her lay. She reached out to touch it. "Angel, oh Angel..." as the tears started to spill again. With a trembling hand, she opened her desk drawer and lifted it out. She held it up to the light and it sparkled. Her claddagh ring. She slowly placed it on her ring finger with the heart facing her. 

__

*What if I had never let you go?

Would you be the man I used to know? 

What if I had never walked away, 

Cause I still love you more than I could say. 

If I'd stayed, if you'd tried, If we could only turn back time. 

But I guess we'll never know.*

"Angel, how can I ever stop loving you?" She took the ring off, kissed it and placed it back drawer.

But I guess we'll never know.

~Fin~


End file.
